Its Not in YOUR control.....

You know I write these blogs when something is burning inside my heart- and its not the heart burn that comes with being 7 mos preggers... It is not my desire just to vent and let you know what I have been learning or struggling with but it is truly my desire that someone will read this and will be ministered to...that they may be in the exact season where this is a word for them....

How often do we worry? I personally struggle with anxiety and worry alot. I think alot of it is in ones personality as to whether they are a worrier or not. I am. Andrew is not. But as adults and Christ followers we can make the decision to CHOOSE not to worry. My life long struggle with eating disorders, I believe, is rooted in anxiety...and that is something I can choose to overcome..

There are so many dimensions to "worry" it is amazing. We engage in it more often than we even realize. Have you ever thought about those situations that make you angry when it comes to another believer as "worry."? To get angry over what someone has said, or didnt say? what someone was wearing? How so and so spends their money? that this person watches this tv show or that one? Or listens to this kind of music? havn't you ever gotten angry about how someone else lives their life? I am talking one believer to another....we are so quick to judge each other..and I am not talking a righteous anger...when we hear or see someting that just ticks us off.... and we dwell on it and play out scenarios and wonder "how in the world could they do/think/say/believe that?....

Jesus tells us that by worrying we can not add a single hour to our life...When I get to the end of my life I want to have spent as few minutes and hours worrying about things that are out of my control as possible. Sure, people are going to do things that tick us off, close friends are going to do things we don't approve of, organizations are going to thrive that are ungodly, politicians may be put in office that didn't get our vote, fellow beleivers are going to hurt us....But it comes down to this: How other people live and what they do is not within our means to control and therefore worry about....All we can do is live our lives and choose to respond in a way that is honoring to the Lord. I believe it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said that noone can make you feel inferior without your consent....How we respond and act is our choice....the choices others make are ultimatley their own and will be for God to judge....take a load off and stop worrying about other people...live your life...He has given you a blessed one....

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Whats is a name?

I have always been fascinated with names.It is usually the first thing we get to learn about someone we meet. It often carries with it a family tradition or a story. When I was pregnant with Roman I couldn't fathom the responsibility that came with naming a son. I scoured baby name books and the bible. I prayed and sought wisdom...I knew I wanted something bold and strong.I wanted something with a meaning that he could grow into...a story he could learn.. With this next pregnancy I wanted no different...a future warrior for Christ would need a bold name, I thought...

I have been studying the name of Jesus this week. This name that we call upon in prayer,..for healing..in despair...and in praise...the name that is above all names..., Jesus. I always cringe when I hear someone misuse this name....the name that is so powerful..the name that could move mountains for them if only they knew....

In biblical culture names were chosen for meaning or for prophetic reasons. Jesus was named "savior" because he was to save people from their sins. I love that in biblical times Jesus was a common name...HE did after all come to save common people...like me.

Do we really understand the power that is in the name ,Jesus? I think too often we tack it onto the end of a prayer or say it when we are supposed to. But when we have faith behind it and in it..the name,Jesus, enables us to live a life with power and purpose.

The early church was hoppin' with activity. healings and exorcisms heappening all over the place. I believe that these early Christians knew and understood the power in HIS name..and they used it...they released faith in this name and they experienced miracles because of it......

The name of Jesus- I have never experienced anything more powerful than His name. It is the name above all names (phil 2:11). There is life in HIS name (John 20:30-31).. It is the name that has the power to save (Acts 4:30). I get chills knowing that one day every tongue will confess His name..(phil 2:9-11)...Jesus !

Dear Mom

I can't believe how time has flown since you left.So much has happened but it feels like you have been gone forever....I wish I could remember your face more clearly or how your voice sounded. There is so much you have missed and I miss you more every day. I can't wait to get to heaven tell you about the kind of woman I became... About how much I grew to love our Jesus....


We went to say good bye to you today ,mom. It was so surreal. I can't believe your gone. I can't comprehend that I could search the whole earth andI wouldn't be able to find you. When I saw your closed casket I wanted to tear it open. I wanted so badly to see you one more time, mom.Do I really have to go on without you?...

Andrew took me on our first date tonight, mom. You were right about how he sparkles. I think he is the one, mom. He even asked to hold my hand. He took me on a carriage ride around Charleston and then we ate at blossoms....


I moved back in with dad today , mom. I was going to get an apartment with some of my friends but I didn't want dad to be alone. There is something familar and warm about being at home although there are memories of you around every corner...Sometimes I walk into the kitchen expecting to see you there...standing at the stove or coming down the stairs. I miss you so much mom...you made this house such a beautiful home....


Andrew asked me to marry him tonight mom.I am engaged! can you believe it? He washed my feet as Jesus did. He said he wanted to serve me forever. He dried my feet with a towel that was embroidered with "Lindsay will you marry me?." I am going to plan our wedding now, mom. Remember the dress we picked out a few weeks before you died? It was so silly. ..I didn't even have a boyfriend then. But I am so glad we did.That day was so special. You made me feel so beautiful! The dress you liked...that you said was your favorite....I am going to wear that dress, mom.


I got married today,mom.I missed you so much. We laid flowers for you...lillys..your favorite. It was such a beautiful day,mom. Now I am a wife. I found a letter that you started to write to me for my wedding day but you never finished..I wonder what you were going to say....What advice did you have for me...I miss you so so much, mom...


I graduated from college today, mom. I got two bachelors degrees. Can you believe it? I remember the summer before I started college you were so excited about it. Everywhere you went you would tell people that I was going to college. You were so proud.It has been hard, mom. After you died I wanted to quit. It was so hard to go back..but I knew you wanted me to finish. Tonight we had a graduation party. Dad gave me my present from you. A beautiful ring and a letter. You really thought of everything...I am going off into the real world now , mom....are you watching?


Roman James was born today,mom. A boy! He is the most beautiful baby. He looks like a Taylor. I gave him his middle name after your dad. I can't believe I am a mother. Now I realize how much love you had for me.I keep imagining how happy you would be...your a grandma,mom! Your first grandchild!..............

I finished my Masters degree today ,mom.I can only imagine how you would be throwing me the biggest party.It was hard work, mom. Especially having Romie and working, too.I rolled up my diploma and put it in the linen closet...I so badly wanted to call you and show it to you....

I am pregnant again,mom. Another boy! His name is going to be Jude Michael. I am so excited to have another son. You are going to be a grandma again. Roman is excited too. He often points to my tummy and says "Baby Dude." I am due March 15th right before the anniversary of your death...that time of year is so hard but God had given me another reason to rejoice.......

God is Good....All the Time.

Here is something a little more personal for all of you faithful readers who check back....I will get better at posting on this blog I have been so tired lately and my laptop is down...

Andrew has been saying alot to me lately "Man, God is so good, He is just so good"I know Andrew has always been aware of Gods goodness but it has been making me think about that statement and how we as Christ Followers use it.
When Andrew says it is usually refers to his work and in turn how much money he is bringing home. We have been on an amazing journey for the past two years, specifically with his work. In January of 2005 Andrew was told to leave his job at our church for which we had served for 10 years. This news was unexpected and devastating to him. I had to watch the man I love go through a whirlwind of emotions from anger to denial to sobbing like a baby. It was hard to watch him question and find purpose in that season. It was also almost unbearable for me as a wife to watch the treatment of his situation and to be able to do nothing about it. Not long after that our benefits from the church stopped as did his salary which although he had switched from full to part time a year earlier, paid our bills. Andrew had been working construction on the side to supplement his church income. He picked this up full time and started working nights delivering pizzas. Even then we were only just able to make ends meet and some monthes couldn't buy enough food or pay the mortgage. It was a very hard and scary time. I personally was worn out from working on my masters full time while working the morning shift as a personal trainer at the gym.Just for dramatic effect can I add that I had to get up at 3:30 am to be at the gym to get off at 10am to care for a toddler throughout the day while working on graduate courses...

Then came the opportunity to buy a business. We had never thought we would own our own business. I married Andrew with the knowledge that I was going to be a ministers wife and I had prepared myself for everything that comes with that role.Andrew had never pictured himself outside the ministry or Seacoast so to be faced with the decision to buy a business was crazy to us. As we pursued the Lord and took this path we had so much confirmation it was amazing. The doors just opened and shut all at the right time and we had so much peace. We knew that we eventually would make more money in this business than in the ministry and Andrew was excited to be able to play the role of "provider" for more than just our basic needs.

As this year comes to a close Andrew and I have been amazed at the financial blessings of the last few monthes. We have had some enourmous bills to take care of and going into the "slow" season of the year and Christmas coming up we were a little anxious at times.

God has shown up and taken care of all of our needs, our huge bills, and some of our wants while allowing Andrew to be at home alot more...


So I have been thinking about the statement we declare in our excitement when we visibally see a blessing that "God is so good."

Is HE "more good" now than he was a year ago or two years ago when we felt like we were in a pit? Is God good now because we have a larger income or because Andrew is able to participate in our family life more? Do we only declare Gods goodness when things are seemingly under OUR control and going as we would have them go?


No. God is the same. As our circumstances and situations change and move we can be assured that our God does not.He is never changing. As the 8th Chapter of Hebrews tells us, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
He is the Alpha and Omega...the beginning and the end....

We can be assured that our God does not waver as our circumstance and relationships do. He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind." (1 Samuel 15:29). His promise to us is that HE is faithful. Even when we are in despair or without hope in the night HE can not abandon us because he cannot disown himself. We can be certain that although nothing in this world is certain.He is.

I have seen repeatedly in my own life how people and circumstances fail us. Relationships come and go, family members pass away..even the things we like to think are certain securities such as the love of our children or our marriages are not....But Gods promise to us is that HE does not change as the shifting shadows and that every good and perfect gift is from above.(james 1:17)
So often we praise God for the good things we see but his promise to us is that HE works everything out for our good. EVERYTHING.
My God is no less good in certain situations just because I think I am in a tough season and can't get my pea sized brain around a reason why.....

But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God's unfailing love
for ever and ever.........xoxoxoxox Lindsay

Avoiding the Appereance of Evil..........

I never know how to respond at this time of year when I get asked by an aquantance or store caashier if I am ready for Halloween. Ready for Halloween? really? It actually blows my mind what a huge deal it is. i have read it is second to Christmas..To CHRISTMAS!!!
Let me tell you my thoughts on that.

First of all it just basically creeps me out. Ghosts, goblins, body parts, blood and guts for aisles and asiles of my favorite drug store or walmart...I mean really. How appealing is that? Roman has started to say "that scary" when we pass by something to do with halloween. I always intentionally avoid those places in the store. It gives me the hibbie jibbees...and for good reason.

I often wonder if people even know what they are "celebrating" or are they just caught up in the ignorance of costumes and candy. There are many different versions of where hlloween originated but most historical accounts are consistant with this:

Halloween culture can be traced back to the Druids, a Celtic culture in Ireland, Britain and Northern Europe. Roots lay in the feast of Samhain, which was annually on October 31st to honor the dead.

Samhain signifies "summers end" or November. Samhain was a harvest festival with huge sacred bonfires, marking the end of the Celtic year and beginning of a new one. Many of the practices involved in this celebration were fed on superstition.

The Celts believed the souls of the dead roamed the streets and villages at night. Since not all spirits were thought to be friendly, gifts and treats were left out to pacify the evil and ensure next years crops would be plentiful. This custom evolved into trick-or-treating.

They often dressed in costumes consiting of animal heads and fur.so next time you dress your child for this "holiday" just know where it originated.

As Chrisitians I believe we have a whole different responsibility this time of year. I don't believe its about being legalistic. I just know what the bible teaches, what God loves and what he hates, and what we are called to. The Apostle Paul teaches us that we (as followers of Christ) are to avoid the very APPEREANCE of evil. We are to be set apart and different from the world. Of course, it would be fun to dress our kids in cute costumes (lions as opposed to witches) and take them to get candy...but then we are no different from the world. I personally dont believe you can participate and not celebrate.

For those of us who are in Christ, we are able to discern and learn the heart of God. To love what HE loves and hate what HE hates. I drive around and see houses decorated with grave stones and demonic loooking creatures or haunted houses that are supposed to be fun and I think..nothing Godly lives there. But it sure does look like a great breeding ground for the demonic. Nothing of Gods nature is attracted to dark and evil places for in HIM there is no darkness.

So in conclusion I despise Halloween and all that is associated with it. I can't wait for it to be over..i just want it to go away!!

Some Scriptures:

Proverbs 11:19 Take your stand with God's loyal community and live, or chase after phantoms of evil and die

As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance 1 peter 1:14

Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God. 3 John 1:11

Phillipians 1: 27Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel 28without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. 29For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, 30since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have

Phillipians 4: Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I LOVE this song...its by casting crowns.

Here I am Lord, and I'm drowningin your sea of forgetfulness the chains of yesterday surround me I yearn for peace and restI dont want to end up where you found meand it echoes in my mind,keeps me awake tonight
I know you cast my sin as far as the east is from the westand I stand before you now,as if I've never sinnedbut today I feel like I'm just one mistake awayfrom you leaving me this way
and Jesus can you show mejust how far the east is from the westcause I can't bear to see the man I've been rising up in me againin the arms of your mercy I find rest,cause you know just how far the East is from the Westfrom one scarred hand to the other.
I start the day the war beginsendless reminding of my sintime and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm intoday I feel like I'm just one mistake away,from you leaving me this way and Jesus can you show me,just how far the East is from the Westcause I can't bear to see the man I've been rising up in me againin the arms of your mercy I find rest'cause you know just how far the East is from the Westfrom one scarred hand to the other.
I know you've washed me white,turned my darkness into lightI need your peace to get me through,to get me through this nightcan't live by what I feelbut by the Truth your Word reveals,I'm not holding on to youbut you're holding on to me,you're holding on to me
Jesus you knowjust how far the East is from the WestI don't have to see the man I've been, rising up in me againin the arms of your mercy I find rest'cause you know just how far the East is from the West,just how far,from one scarred hand to the other.

Whats the Cost?

Thats usually the first thing I get asked about in regards to this "natural God- Given" beauty concept. Honestly, the cost works out to be much less for the most part. Of course, when you go to whole foods to get your initial supply you will want to budget some money. I probably spent thirty dollars for:
A huge bottle of organic olive oil
Coconut oil (hair)
rosemary oil (hair)
raw honey
goats milk
organic oats
aloe vera plant
This will be enough to get you started. here are some examples of the cost worked out.
1. lip plumper -30-40dolars. aloe vera plant 3 dollars
2.hair repair masque 100 dollars a year
deep shine coconut oil masque- 20 dollars a year
3. face cleanser 21 dollars per 6 oz, 4 bottles a year is 84 dollars
milk/oat wash 48 dollars a year
4. fine lines plumper (department store quality) 157 a year
honey tonic 16 a year (8 dollars for 8 oz jar. 2 jars a year)
5. commecvial olive oil moisturizer 140 dollars a year (it runs 35 dollars per oz.)
Natural organic olive oil . TWENTY DOLLARS, a year. You should only need two bottles a year!

So, as you see. You do save money all the while protecting your health and your skin.
The one thing you will want to invest in is a good mineral makeup..these are sold online, stell nova, ulta, salons. I use Bare Minerals. You can get the starter kit for 60.00. I would recommend going into a salon and having them match your color. Although this makeup is more expensive you are paying for pure minerals which are going to enhance the quality of your skin where as drug store or department store makeup is loaded with cheap fillers that irritate skin and clog pores- even dulling our complexions so then they can sell us skin brightners..right? who knew they were in it for the money?news flash: they really don't care about how your skin looks at the end of the day. Alot of makeups contain talc which is one dolalr per kilo. some minerals cost up to 300 dollars a kilo.
Mineral makeup is so pure it catches all the right light, it wont clog or irritate- you can sleep in it, workout in it and it remains flawless looking and all the while it helps your skin look and feel better. I can't beleive it took me so long to learn about it! Although I like bare minerals . I have read that Jane Iredale Mineral cosmetics is the best you can get. Whatever brand you buy , make sure it is pure minerals. Alot of the brands in drug stores and department stores are part mineral part synthetic.

Recipies- Natural Skin Care

remember- what I found out about my "mild cleanser that was non comodegonic and dermatologist tested" Its a bunch of crap! They are fileld with cheap fillers that irritate the skin. Natural ingredients given by God will help your skin look better..not worse!Here is the skin care regimen I have been doing. I noticed a difference after the first time using the facial scrub. If you don't have a whole foods or health store publix will order the powdered goats milk for you. I started with the face scrub and worked my way up the honey and olive oil- I was scared! But it gives you beautiful looking skin..you just have to play around with the amount - less is more. I also now use olive oil on my arms, legs, and belly. Make sure you buy organic extra virgin. And make sure the honey says "raw".
Beauty Secrets Three-Step Skin Regimen

Milk and Oats Facial Scrub
1 cup powdered goat’s milk (available at Whole Foods® Stores)
1 cup quick-cooking oats
Process in a blender or food processor until very fine. Store in an airtight container. To cleanse face, sprinkle a small amount of powder into the palm of your hand and mix into a paste with warm water. Massage onto face and rinse.
Exodus 3:17 describes the promised land as a place "flowing with milk and honey." Throughout scripture, milk and honey symbolize the gracious nature of God, the abundance of His blessing. Ancient women used milk (and oats) in their baths to soften and nourish their skin. Today we know that this combination acts as both a natural, gentle exfoliant and nourishing moisturizer.



Honey Tonic
Apply 1-2 drops honey onto a wet palm and massage onto face. Do not rinse. Pat dry.
Honey is not only good to eat, it was prized in the Biblical days and even used as an offering to the Lord. Today we know that honey is a healthy choice for sweetening, and many skin care experts believe it can nourish the skin and plump up fine lines. The secret is to use only 1-2 drops, on a very wet palm, and pat delicately onto your skin.


Olive Oil Moisturizer
Place 2-3 drops of extra-virgin, organic olive oil onto your palm.
Rub palms together and pat your face gently. After make-up, to highlight the cheekbones, put 2-3 drops of olive oil in your palms and rub together. With the heel of your hand, press against the upper ridge of each cheekbone, under the eye and back towards your hairline.
Olive oil was the base for the anointing oil used in the Tabernacle, and olive oil continued to be used throughout biblical times as a beauty oil as well as religious purposes. Modern science tells us that olive oil is packed with vitamins and nutrients that moisturize the skin without blocking pores. It’s excellent for removing eye makeup, moisturizing skin and fighting premature aging.

Watch Out!

So basically the beauty products we use can be toxic. It made me pay attention when I realized whatever I use on my skin can be absorbed into the blood stream...these chemicals we use and are marketed to us are causing cancer, birth defects, premature aging etc.
and MOMS- watch out what you use on your babies...the USA has only banned eight ingredients from cosmetics while the European Union has banned 1,000.
the fda can declare something natural if only 3% of its ingredients are natural.that means the other 97% can be synthetic chemicals.
Heres what I found in my bathroom cabinet...
My cocoa butter lotion contains petroleum which is suspected to carry contaminants as well as to increase premature aging.
My body wash also contains petroleum and sodium lauryl sulfate which is not toxic but is a synthetic chemical known to irritate the skin. This was also found in my "dermatologist approved mild cleasner"
Most products contain parabens which are linked to breast cancer and tumor growth. 13,000 FDA approved beauty products contain parabens.phthlates are also common and are almost undectable because they are in the fragrnce and so don't have to be listed. This can affect sperm and adult male infertility....which as for women carrying baby boys should concern us!
Many of the ingredients in our beauty products are cheap fillers. Even inmy "expensive" salon 20.00 a bottle shampoo, the first ingredient was sulfer laurel sulfate- what a rip off! These same chemicals are found in pesticides,toliet bowl cleaners, tire cleaners, and furniture stripper. YUK!
If that doesn't gross you out here is a list of FDA approved material for use in our cosmetics and beauty products:
turtle oil
chicken embyo
horse blood
pigskin
human placenta
pig brains
cow amniotic fluid....

Iv'e Seen So Much More Than You Know Love.............

The great theologian , Britney Spears, once said through song lyrics, "Ive seen so much more than you know, love, so don't tell me to shut my eyes.

These word have always stayed with me. I relate to them in a very intresting way.
In my crazy days I saw alot of the world. I saw and experienced things that I shouldn't have and sometimes wish I hadn't but ultimatley they have shaped me and created the stage for my salvation and future ministry. I have seen things up close and personal at ages one shouldn't experience such things. I have touched and tasted a life that the devil himself leads people to believe is fulfilling and good.

It amazed me that the Lord allowed me to marry a man as pure and innocent as Andrew. When we were dating he would often tell me to close my eyes to certain things (literally) or he wouldn't tell me a whole story or joke if it was crude. He was protecting me in the most Godly sense of protection. I look back now and appreciate that because in a way on the day I was saved, God restored alot of my lost innocence.

Andrew and I had a conversation the other day about the world. I had met with a friend who is not a Chirst follower. She had said something to me that shocked me. It was about her life and probaly wouldn't shock most people. It shocked me because of the nonchalant attitude regarding the matter. Of course, I disguised my shock well although inside my insides were fluttering. I told Andrew that I came home and thought about it and prayed about my reaction and was glad that I was so shocked. I felt that it was confirmation the Holy Spirit had a strong grip on my heart and life. Later in the week I read Jeremiah which added confirmation to what i had been pondering. He says this, "Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush. So they will fall among the fallen;
they will be brought down when I punish them,"
says the LORD.

There it is "They do not even know how to blush." I am glad that through all I have seen that i have been restored and redeemed. I have been cleansed and renewed.sanctified, justified, and one day glorified. I am so glad that in this fallen and depraved world that I am still able to blush........

You Save Me Over and Over Again

I was first saved by King Jesus on a day in March 2001 while I was downtown Charleston in my dorm room. I don't remember the exact date, but it was life- changing. I have written about this night in explicit detail in my memoir. I am afraid it is too much to share right here..and I don't want to give all of the book up as I know all of you will rush out to buy it one day making it a best seller.

The most amazing thing to me in my relationship with Jesus is that He saves me OVER and OVER again. I look at my life and realize that our salvation isn't just a day or a date to be marked on a calendar but a process of being saved continually as we seek HIM.

Andrew and I look back on our marriage and marvel at how many times the Lord has saved us. He saves us from ourselves, from bad decisions, bad jobs, bad and negative relationships, bad financial moves....

There are so many circumstances we look at that were totally beyond ourselves. So many times our discernment and the holy spirit were promting us with a "no" or "get out" or "this isn't right" and we ignored it. Not out of disobedience, but because we truly didn't see a way out.

I have told Andrew multiple times that the Lord saved us from certain circumstances because we could never make the decision to get out or leave by ourselves.Andrew is such a people pleaser (self-admittedly) and hates to ruffle feathers or make changes that can cause conflict or even an incomfortable atmosphere. I think it is because of this that the Lord has saved us so many times. It was in so many situations specifically that we knew were not right..relationships that were negative...decisions we thought we were making that were of Him..and He stepped in and took care of it. It is amazing to look at..to see the Lord actually orchestrating circumstances that we had prayed about and not known what to do about....He is our Savior..

Now, This process of salvation has never been easy.These times of being "saved" have been trying to say the least, although we look back and can do nothing but praise HIM for getting us out and saving us from ourselves....There were times when we had no idea what was going on. When we wondered why we were being attacked..why our desires wern't being answered...why he wouldn't open doors..why he had us in certain circumstances....why we were having to deal with trying relational situations......or jobs or co-workers

He is Lord and He is SAVIOR...Because of our own sinful nature and desires...we often have cloudy vision and discernment. We are often at a loss of what to do in circumstances or with people ( and in ministry you meet ALOT of people!). But when we follow HIM he gives us grace and mercy which endures forever...and HE continues to save.....He is mighty to save.....

Purposeful Changes

You know Life is a series of choices that we make.I believe that there are two huge choices that we make that are accompanied by many little ones. The most important choice one can make is whether or not they are going to beleive that Jesus Christ was who He said he was, did what He said He did, and in turn give their lives over to his cause and purpose. It is in this decision that we make the first step in changing eternity.The second most important choice I believe we make is the choice of who we pick for a life partner. This decision affects everything.Its the person we are going to walk side by side with. The person we will raise our kids with and the person our kids will look to as symbolic of God the father. What a HUGE decision.I think who we pick as a life partner says alot about us as a person.I know those two decisions in my life have shown to be the best I could have made. We are faced everyday with other mini-decisions.What am i going to eat?, am i going to workout or take a nap?, do laundry or make love?, call a friend or read a book?, spank my child or put him in time-out?, join this small group or that one?, pursue this friendship or that one? Every season of life is marked by decisions.Sometimes we make good ones and other times we don't. The best part is that we are given many chances to try again and the next time we bring more wisdom to the table! Change is a hard thing to deal with- even if its good change. Because whenever we change something we are shaking up a part of our world and that can be uncomfortable. But Change is the catalyst for growth and character building.I think we need to be purposeful in every area of our lives. Too many times I think people (Christ followers included) just allow life to happen to them and then wonder why they are where they are when they had thought they would be somewhere else. As a stay at home mom I don't want to treat this season of my life any different than the previous years. I had been very purposeful with my educational goals adn getting to where I am. I want to treat this season of my life with the same purpose. We need to be purposeful about our day to day lives. Who are we going to hang out with? Who do we want our kids to hang out with? How are we going to spend time in the word? How are we going to get organized? How are we going to ensure our marriage grows?How are we going to do ministry?What friends are we going to invite in our boat? You know Jesus was very purposeful about who he invited along for the ride.We need to be too.What do you want your life to look like? What changes do you need to make? even if they are going to be hard....What choices do you need to make today so you can live life on purpose?.....................

Nothing

Coming down to nothing more
Everything else falls to the floor

Nothing left standing; as I fade away
Can you help me stand, for one more day?

Everything changes and nothings the same
Relying on you alone is what I have gained

All in all broken down
Once more to be purified

Out with the old in with the new
Good character no longer corrupt as I pursue you

Everything open and everythings raw
Falling into you
to love you more

Falling to Pieces........

Falling to pieces I stand alone
Everything familiar has changed
In a green room the walls caving in
left to wallow in the madness of this sin

Blood is taken and stored away
Unsettled in myself and this day
Reaching out to talk to you
Realizing again that you left me here

Papers filed and doors slammed shut
some to never be opened again
Crawling back inside my head
To some safe place I can remain

Falling to pieces is nothing new
In this world tainted black and blue
pricked in places i cannot share
and walking with more than a burden to bear.

Memoir Excerpt..The Last Night

I sat in the chair next to my moms bed and watched visitors come and go. She was incoherent for the most part, just a fraction of the woman I remembered.Her face was worn from chemo treatments and her belly was swollen as if pregnant.She screamed out in pain at regular intervals.Her friends would come and sit at the foot of the bed,stroking her hand, speaking and praying over her.After a while I got up and stood by her side..I can't remember what i said to her or what she said to me. When it was time to leave I told her good bye and walked towards the door. As I got there something stopped me and i felt compelled to return to her side. My dad stepped in front of me. "She already thinks your gone, Linds. Don't confuse her." As I walked back through the doorway I heard her call in a voice filled with the strength I always knew of her."Lindsay, I love you." I never recognized then that I would hold onto those words as hope for the rest of my life.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs I crumpled on the floor in a heap..sobbing. Lori came and sat by me as the smell of stickey fingers take out filled the room.I curled my legs into my chest and laid my head on her shoulder. I hate this i cried! Shes in so much pain! Why can't they do anything! Then I turned my eyes to the heavens and prayed a prayer that forever changed my life. "It's got to stop, Lord Jesus I cried.If you arn't going to heal her then you have to take her, tonight!"I have never prayed a prayer in such a heart felt and demanding way...
That same night I drove back to my apartment and crawled into bed.I lay there curled up in the fetal position thinking I should return home..I fell into a restless sleep to be awakened a little after 4am by my cell phone ringing. It was my brother.I clenched the phone as I answered..
"Linds, You need to come to the house."
"why!" I questioned.
"Linds..mom went to be with Jesus." I dropped the phone as I fell to my knees. My roomate ran into the living room to see what all the comotion was about. I was crying from a place I never knew existed. The hurt and pain too much to bear as "no, no" escaped my lips.
"You know shes in the best place in the world" Ross said over the phone.
The next few hours are a blur. I don't remember driving over to the house or walking inside.I don't remember seeing my dad or my brother. I just remember walking up the stairs to the bedroom. She lay there at peace..in bed. I climbed in bed with her and layed my head on her chest. " I love you mama. I said. I am going to miss you so much.this just isn't fair."
Later in the day the cornoner came to take the body away. Ross and I were sitting in the living room with my grandma. "You guys just look out the window" my dad said wanting to protect us from seeing her body leave in a black bag. I am glad to not have that memory.I didn't eat that day although the house was filled with food. That night when everything was quiet and all the people had left, I got a hold of a bag of starburst jelly beans.With the hustle and bustle of the day quieted, the well wishers and grievers gone, it was just me and the jelly beans.I was about to begin a downward spiral into the only coping mechanism I had ever known. Welcome back eating disorder...I am sure you'll be here for a while I thought as I popped one sugary bean after another...pushing out the pain and numbing my thoughts...