Memoir Excerpt..The Last Night

I sat in the chair next to my moms bed and watched visitors come and go. She was incoherent for the most part, just a fraction of the woman I remembered.Her face was worn from chemo treatments and her belly was swollen as if pregnant.She screamed out in pain at regular intervals.Her friends would come and sit at the foot of the bed,stroking her hand, speaking and praying over her.After a while I got up and stood by her side..I can't remember what i said to her or what she said to me. When it was time to leave I told her good bye and walked towards the door. As I got there something stopped me and i felt compelled to return to her side. My dad stepped in front of me. "She already thinks your gone, Linds. Don't confuse her." As I walked back through the doorway I heard her call in a voice filled with the strength I always knew of her."Lindsay, I love you." I never recognized then that I would hold onto those words as hope for the rest of my life.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs I crumpled on the floor in a heap..sobbing. Lori came and sat by me as the smell of stickey fingers take out filled the room.I curled my legs into my chest and laid my head on her shoulder. I hate this i cried! Shes in so much pain! Why can't they do anything! Then I turned my eyes to the heavens and prayed a prayer that forever changed my life. "It's got to stop, Lord Jesus I cried.If you arn't going to heal her then you have to take her, tonight!"I have never prayed a prayer in such a heart felt and demanding way...
That same night I drove back to my apartment and crawled into bed.I lay there curled up in the fetal position thinking I should return home..I fell into a restless sleep to be awakened a little after 4am by my cell phone ringing. It was my brother.I clenched the phone as I answered..
"Linds, You need to come to the house."
"why!" I questioned.
"Linds..mom went to be with Jesus." I dropped the phone as I fell to my knees. My roomate ran into the living room to see what all the comotion was about. I was crying from a place I never knew existed. The hurt and pain too much to bear as "no, no" escaped my lips.
"You know shes in the best place in the world" Ross said over the phone.
The next few hours are a blur. I don't remember driving over to the house or walking inside.I don't remember seeing my dad or my brother. I just remember walking up the stairs to the bedroom. She lay there at peace..in bed. I climbed in bed with her and layed my head on her chest. " I love you mama. I said. I am going to miss you so much.this just isn't fair."
Later in the day the cornoner came to take the body away. Ross and I were sitting in the living room with my grandma. "You guys just look out the window" my dad said wanting to protect us from seeing her body leave in a black bag. I am glad to not have that memory.I didn't eat that day although the house was filled with food. That night when everything was quiet and all the people had left, I got a hold of a bag of starburst jelly beans.With the hustle and bustle of the day quieted, the well wishers and grievers gone, it was just me and the jelly beans.I was about to begin a downward spiral into the only coping mechanism I had ever known. Welcome back eating disorder...I am sure you'll be here for a while I thought as I popped one sugary bean after another...pushing out the pain and numbing my thoughts...