Update

Yay! I still have readers!

I was "officially" diagnosed with post- partum on thursday by a professional. it was interesting that as part of my graduate work I studied depression and the spiritual and physical factors that play into it and what a life altering and debilitating mental illness it can be. I am starting on meds on Monday so we will see how that goes! I wish they had some way to measure serotonin levels.. that would be so great..then there would be no question about the physicality of it and if in fact meds actually correct the problem..

Anyone still reading?

Well, great if you are! I am so uber impressed with you. Please pat yourself on the back for me!

I always have thoughts about what I want to write on here but hardly ever get to it.. so here are some random thoughts ..please proceed with caution ;-)

Today I have felt overwhelmed. I have been fighting an overwhelming sense of depression and have been trying to discern if its spiritual or hormonal. From my studies I am well aware of the causes of postpartum and how serious it can be if not recognized and treated appropriatley. But I am wondering if its sprirtual- a dark night of the soul, if you will...
Why so downcast o my soul
why so disturbed within me?

Today I reflected on the phrase "author of salvation" from a worship song we sing. I love this. It reminds me that God had a plan for me before time began..that he authored our salvation before we needed it...when we were still good...before we sinned..He had a plan for us...and I know He has a plan for me. I know he saw my circumstances before I felt the weight of them..before I was overwhelmed by them...

Beyond Measure...

I have decided Jeremy Camps song beyond measure is the theme song to my life. It is so fitting.Its as if I could have written every line by myself. I feel so blessed in this season of my life. It certanly comes with its challenges- having a newborn and a three year old- exisiting on virtually no sleep and still trying to maintain a great marriage and home..I just feel so blessed..God is so good..He is so faithful. I am in a place where I am learning so much more and i can feel his presence so greatly in my life..

The lyrics are below for your reading pleasure:

The fog has finally cleared to see,The beautiful life you've given meTo feel the breeze of my newborn's gentle breathWith one to walk hand in hand,To share this life that you have plannedIt's like a storybook with dreamsThat are meant to see every next step is an extraordinary sceneI know that I've been,Given more than beyond measure,I come alive when,I see beyond my fearsI know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,I come alive whenI've broken down and given You controlI've faced a great tragedy,But have seen the works of what You bringA display of faith that You give,I don't know if I will ever understandThe depth of what it is You've done inside,But I know that I won't find any worth apart from YouI know that I've been,Given more than beyond measure,I come alive when,I see beyond my fearsI know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,I come alive whenI've broken down and given You controlEverything that I haveHas been given so unselfishlyAnd shown that even when I don't deserveYou always show the fullness of Your loveI know that I've been,Given more than beyond measure,I come alive when,I see beyond my fearsI know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,I come alive whenI've broken down and given You controlWhen I've broken down and given You control

Mommyhood...

So I know this may be premature too say..but I LOVE being a mommy of two. Andrew and I came home from the hospital on a Saturday afternoon and he returend to work Monday morning..It was me and the boys from that point on...

After a year of preparing I was a little apprehensive about the change our lives were about to take bringing a newborn into the house. I think part of it was a fear of the unknown, wondering how I would handle the loss of certain freedoms again..mostly selfish things..
I had also witnessed people not handle the transition from one to two very well. I was getting geared up..hoping for the best but preparing for the worst..How would I handle lack of sleep and a super active toddler..how would the whole nursing thing work? How would I ever keep up with the house or errands or bills or taxes?
I have to say that thus far I am pleasantly suprised..I am more sleep deprived today than I have been for the last two weeks..and I am feeling pretty emotional but the last two weeks have been so fantastic. I feel like I have come into my element. I love this.I love my boys. I love this life that He has given me..
I think part of it is my personality. I love having alot to do. I love a challenge. I love that I have my moms "survivor" spirit that kicks in when most needed...but above all I feel the Lord sustaining me and giving me supernatural strength to make it through the day..I feel people praying for me and I feel so blessed.

New Life....

I feel you sustaining me in the still of the night

As I rock my child; you hold me tight

And as I look at the face of this new born son

I cannot fathom the depths of what you've done

A sacrifice I couldn't make

But I'm so glad that you took my place..

How is it that you love me; more than I love him?

When hes seemingly so innocent and I constantly sin..

As all of creation looks to you; I look at creation in my hands

What could it be; this life you've planned?

And as I abide in you for just a little while..

You make my world as new as this little mans smile

And sometimes I think about how close he is to you

Coming from your hands and placed inside my womb..

Just on the other side; I wonder

Did she hold him too?

Did she kiss his face and call his name; before I even knew?

Before the pink and blue....

(to be cont...)

Cry From a Broken Heart...

Brought me to my knees
to fight for the sacred..its just about time
it comes crashing down..wholly broken and surrendered
Will I ever ever wear my crown?

Torn to pieces because two became one
Now my flesh cries out for the sake of our sons

Miserable surrender..but your saving me..
I want more for my boys so take it from this house
Anointed with oil..cast out in the dirt
I have never known this betrayal or the darkness of this hurt

5 years gone
We pay the price for the weight of our sin
How in the world did we let him get in?

Not in this place...with me by your side
Where do I go in whom can I hide?
Security no more...just naked, bruised and raw...

You think I am standing in the kitchen..
But I am curled up on the floor..
chasing corners in my mind..
and wanting so much more...

You were my protector but you wore my heart in shame
what was it that you had to gain?

It was from the broken glass I always had to hide
Each time made it reality of the deepest fear inside..

Never good enough for what I want to be
He reminds me I am his child and I can be set free

Come Lord Jesus and Give me Peace...
Hold me up Lord.I need your strength..

A Diet Coke Culture

We want the taste without all the calories. We want the results and the rewards without putting in the work. We want the best but want to give the least. This is the culture we live in today. We are constantly seeking short cuts…to get out of debt, to make money, to lose weight…have they found that magic pill yet? The key to getting in shape gets shorter and shorter. Instead of putting in the hard work that comes along with eating healthy and exercising we are being sold “the 3 hour diet” and “the 12 second sequence.” Why do 3 sets in the gym when you can get results in 12 seconds?
Even the technology that comes out allows us to make shortcuts. Instead of calling people to say “hi” or to talk over a problem; we receive or send emails and text messages. Technology has allowed us to debate in forums online and to “attend” small groups without even leaving the comfort of our own home. Our communication is becoming more and more impersonal and our relationships are going to suffer because of it.
It’s a diet coke culture- the illusion of being satisfied for very little. We are taking shortcuts and buying into things that taste good and seem good but are ultimately poisoning our souls and our relationships. How many of us have refinanced our homes to pay off debt? Only to get in more debt… or bought something from an infomercial that promises a “quick change” or a “new you.” Only to find out we got ripped off… I know I am guilty.
In an attempt to “simplify” our lives we have actually made them more complicated. Instead of being satisfied with a cell phone that we can carry anywhere.. we want the one that takes pictures, emails, and connects to the internet. We aren’t satisfied with the new car- we want the one with the gps, the dual dvd players, and all the other stuff that I didn’t even know I needed…because it will make my life “easier.”
My question is does it make life easier? I think more often than not the very things we think will simplify our lives and relationships actually make them more complicated…Jesus said he came so we might have and enjoy life in abundance... and his principles are simple…simplicity is powerful…and my goal is to embrace that as I embrace a life that glorifies him..