update

Thank you all for your comments, emails, and prayers! I have actually been feeling better especially as far as the anxiety goes. It really varies from day to day..it seems I am either having a really good day or a really bad day- very little middle ground! well, I am off garage saleing- one of my favorite things to do!

Phillipians 3:10

I want to know Christ and the POWER that raised HIM from the dead.

Update

Yay! I still have readers!

I was "officially" diagnosed with post- partum on thursday by a professional. it was interesting that as part of my graduate work I studied depression and the spiritual and physical factors that play into it and what a life altering and debilitating mental illness it can be. I am starting on meds on Monday so we will see how that goes! I wish they had some way to measure serotonin levels.. that would be so great..then there would be no question about the physicality of it and if in fact meds actually correct the problem..

Anyone still reading?

Well, great if you are! I am so uber impressed with you. Please pat yourself on the back for me!

I always have thoughts about what I want to write on here but hardly ever get to it.. so here are some random thoughts ..please proceed with caution ;-)

Today I have felt overwhelmed. I have been fighting an overwhelming sense of depression and have been trying to discern if its spiritual or hormonal. From my studies I am well aware of the causes of postpartum and how serious it can be if not recognized and treated appropriatley. But I am wondering if its sprirtual- a dark night of the soul, if you will...
Why so downcast o my soul
why so disturbed within me?

Today I reflected on the phrase "author of salvation" from a worship song we sing. I love this. It reminds me that God had a plan for me before time began..that he authored our salvation before we needed it...when we were still good...before we sinned..He had a plan for us...and I know He has a plan for me. I know he saw my circumstances before I felt the weight of them..before I was overwhelmed by them...

Beyond Measure...

I have decided Jeremy Camps song beyond measure is the theme song to my life. It is so fitting.Its as if I could have written every line by myself. I feel so blessed in this season of my life. It certanly comes with its challenges- having a newborn and a three year old- exisiting on virtually no sleep and still trying to maintain a great marriage and home..I just feel so blessed..God is so good..He is so faithful. I am in a place where I am learning so much more and i can feel his presence so greatly in my life..

The lyrics are below for your reading pleasure:

The fog has finally cleared to see,The beautiful life you've given meTo feel the breeze of my newborn's gentle breathWith one to walk hand in hand,To share this life that you have plannedIt's like a storybook with dreamsThat are meant to see every next step is an extraordinary sceneI know that I've been,Given more than beyond measure,I come alive when,I see beyond my fearsI know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,I come alive whenI've broken down and given You controlI've faced a great tragedy,But have seen the works of what You bringA display of faith that You give,I don't know if I will ever understandThe depth of what it is You've done inside,But I know that I won't find any worth apart from YouI know that I've been,Given more than beyond measure,I come alive when,I see beyond my fearsI know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,I come alive whenI've broken down and given You controlEverything that I haveHas been given so unselfishlyAnd shown that even when I don't deserveYou always show the fullness of Your loveI know that I've been,Given more than beyond measure,I come alive when,I see beyond my fearsI know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,I come alive whenI've broken down and given You controlWhen I've broken down and given You control

Mommyhood...

So I know this may be premature too say..but I LOVE being a mommy of two. Andrew and I came home from the hospital on a Saturday afternoon and he returend to work Monday morning..It was me and the boys from that point on...

After a year of preparing I was a little apprehensive about the change our lives were about to take bringing a newborn into the house. I think part of it was a fear of the unknown, wondering how I would handle the loss of certain freedoms again..mostly selfish things..
I had also witnessed people not handle the transition from one to two very well. I was getting geared up..hoping for the best but preparing for the worst..How would I handle lack of sleep and a super active toddler..how would the whole nursing thing work? How would I ever keep up with the house or errands or bills or taxes?
I have to say that thus far I am pleasantly suprised..I am more sleep deprived today than I have been for the last two weeks..and I am feeling pretty emotional but the last two weeks have been so fantastic. I feel like I have come into my element. I love this.I love my boys. I love this life that He has given me..
I think part of it is my personality. I love having alot to do. I love a challenge. I love that I have my moms "survivor" spirit that kicks in when most needed...but above all I feel the Lord sustaining me and giving me supernatural strength to make it through the day..I feel people praying for me and I feel so blessed.

New Life....

I feel you sustaining me in the still of the night

As I rock my child; you hold me tight

And as I look at the face of this new born son

I cannot fathom the depths of what you've done

A sacrifice I couldn't make

But I'm so glad that you took my place..

How is it that you love me; more than I love him?

When hes seemingly so innocent and I constantly sin..

As all of creation looks to you; I look at creation in my hands

What could it be; this life you've planned?

And as I abide in you for just a little while..

You make my world as new as this little mans smile

And sometimes I think about how close he is to you

Coming from your hands and placed inside my womb..

Just on the other side; I wonder

Did she hold him too?

Did she kiss his face and call his name; before I even knew?

Before the pink and blue....

(to be cont...)